You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
