Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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