im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
