5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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