insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
