Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
