Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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