I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
