so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Randomize
