You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
