you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
