they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
