Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
