Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
