Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
