You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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