I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
