I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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