You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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