guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
