I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
