WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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