birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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