i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I have post one night stand depression
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