my phone needs a breathalizer
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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