So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
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