mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The beer is more important than you right now.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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