how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
