I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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