I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
