I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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