The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
