i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
