I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
