I'm drive I can fine osifer
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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