im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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