The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
