youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
