Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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