I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
