I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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