I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
