I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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