Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
