It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I think I won the penis lottery.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
