Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
