New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
