When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
