remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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