just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
