I never want to see another naked old woman again.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I am naked and annoyed.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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