just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
